I'm going to apologize in advance for being so long-winded. There is some history to give on this topic.
This past year has been the hardest year of my adult life. Spiritually, I have never been so tested. Mentally, I have been drained and distracted. Socially, I have been secluded and even more introverted than normal. Emotionally, I have been everywhere from depressed, to anxious, to relieved. All of this to say, I have grown and learned so much, that I wanted to share.
As some of you know, J and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. It has been a roller coaster ride, with more lows than peaks if you asked me. I am the eternal pessimist and Jerrad is beautifully optimistic. He has kept me on track more than anything else. From these experiences of doubt and distrust in the Lord, I have a new faith and relationship with Him. As of now, I am less focused on how much I want a child, and more focused on the truth that the Lord has given me.
I do not find much comfort in the saying, "God is in control." I say that and then immediately think, "Well then, WHY haven't you fixed the problem?" I do not want to ask Him, "Why?" I find much more comfort in the truth that He knows what is best for me. His plan is always better and that is truly what I want. That statement alone has been hard for me to honestly say at times this past year.
These last months have been the easiest yet. I pray that is because I have more faith in His plan and not the distractions I tend to use. At times, I have questioned and doubted so much that I disgust myself. I DO NOT want to go back to that weak, pitiful, negative woman.
My most recent lesson has been one about the suffering that He calls us into. I have always believed and felt very strongly about the truth that He does call us to suffer at times so that He can build us into a people that is more like Himself. However, the growth that happens depends on how we react to His call into suffering. ...all of this is not a new lesson, but I have learned lately, that if I continue in my attitude of self-pity, I have learned nothing. Oswald Chambers said it best when he wrote, "If we accept the sympathy of another saint, our spontaneous feeling is, 'God is dealing too harshly with me and making my life too difficult.' That is why Jesus said that self-pity was of the devil." I am...hopefully WAS, the queen of self-pity. Not only that, I didn't mind if someone felt sorry for us or our situation. Now, He is teaching me not t expect pity or to have pity on myself, but to rejoice that He is teaching me through this. One of my greatest fears is that I would miss the lesson that He has for me. I'm trying to be a good student in this trial, but He is so good and patient that through my failures He is still getting His lessons into my head and hopefully my heart.
I pray that my hope remains in Him and not myself, and that the peace I have is a result of a stronger faith. Time will only tell if I have to re-learn these lessons....I pray not.
