Wild and Crazy Summer

Wow, it has been a while since I have posted.  There have been some big changes happen in our lives over the past 3-4 months. 
Last April the Lord started a work in J and I.  A student I had, inspired us to seek the Lord about becoming Foster Parents.  We had a peace about a crazy idea so we looked into what it would take to become Foster Parents.  We researched, went to an informational meeting with CPS, and decided to go through a private agency.  Over the summer we have been to many trainings in Midland, filled out a lot of paperwork, and prepared our house for little ones...well kinda.  We didn't know exactly what to get because our intention is not to "just adopt."  We want to foster even if it is for a short time with the children.  If the case moves to adoption, we will then consider adoption of the kids. 
As the summer has gone on, we have continued to try to get pregnant with no luck.  I had hoped there was something to that "distraction" theory.  I wondered if we continued trying and focused on Fostering, then maybe we could get pregnant because I wasn't so worried.  No such luck.
So fast forward to today:  We will be getting two kids on Monday.  I can't put too much information on the internet about them.  If you would like to know more, just ask me privately.  If becoming "instant parents" isn't crazy enough, we are also scheduled for an IUI on Monday as well! 
All this to say: We need a lot of prayer, especially Monday.
Some words to express what I'm feeling:

Excited, Nervous, Anxious, and Scared  I have to remind myself, and ask Jerrad to remind me, that the Lord has called us to this walk and the Lord will bring us through.  I pray that the Lord continues the work He began in us and the children we welcome come to know His unfailing, unconditional, and trustworthy love.  That is our goal: to share the Lord with every child that enters our door...He will take care of the rest. 

Side Note

As I read my "Results" post, it is more evident how much this hurts.  Every month my hope diminishes little by little.  I don't want to sound like "Debbie Downer", but I do want to be honest.  I'm so tired of trying to have a good attitude.  To be optimistic.  I know that the Lord sees the big picture and that He has a plan for us.  I am just not good at hoping for something to change when I become more convinced that it won't with every passing cycle.  Is this lack of faith?  How do I grieve while trusting Him?  How can I hope with I am so sad?

New Day, Same Old Story

Well, I have been reluctant to post or to even tell people closest to me that the surgery did not fix the problem.  I had a text written and the recipients filled in and couldn't send the text because I did not want to hear their attempts to console me.  Please hear that I do appreciate their efforts and prayers.  However, I wouldn't know what to say to me so how will they?  For goodness sakes, the doctor doesn't really know what is wrong with me.  That is not too encouraging.  I hate the moment where a friend or family member asks how things are going, (obviously wondering about baby stuff) and I have to tell them that there is no progress.  It hurts to have to say it out loud.  It hurts to be reminded of my inability to accomplish the "simple" task of procreation.  And it hurts to see the look on their faces as they have pity on me and search for encouraging things to say.  To some, this may sound very selfish. "At least they are asking," you might say.  Yes, I appreciate that they care and that they want the best for me.  I love these people.  They are the people that love me the most and that I love the most.  So, it makes it all the more difficult to not talk about it.  Therefore, since my readers are mainly the "people" I'm referring to, please forgive me for not discussing this with your in a more personal way.  Please wait until I bring it up when I see you in person.  And please understand if the conversation is short and sweet.  

I love you all.  I can't wait to see you and hug your neck.

Resutls

Without being too graphic I thought I should post the results of my procedure.  My doctor found exactly what he thought he would and fixed it!  That is really good news because he said a lot of times they suspect one thing and find something worse.  He also said that we would never have gotten pregnant without having the procedure. 

So, now we have a new beginning in a way.  A fresh start.  A renewed hope.  I am struggling with knowing how to be hopeful without being unrealistic.  I guess that has been a struggle from the beginning.  Now it is different though. What I was afraid of, became a reality but now it has probably been fixed.  So in a way, I feel my fear was legitimate and confirmed.  However, I know that fear is not of the Lord so I must trust his plan in the midst of mine going all wrong.   Now to wait and see what else He has in store.  More of that W word.  ;)

Update

For those of you that keep up with my journey towards mommyhood:  I had a very critical doctor's appointment last week.  He finally concluded that the FOUR medications that I am on, is not going to cut it.  (I suspected this from the beginning.)  It has been a year and a half of TTC and a year on meds with no improvement.  So we decided that what is basically exploratory laparoscopic surgery is needed to figure out what is wrong.  They will be looking for multiple problems, and if they find anything they will most likely be able to fix them that day.  SO, this cycle we are taking a break.  :D 

I am still very cautious about who I am sharing my heart with these days.  I have learned that the majority of people do not and will not understand what we are going through.  That is okay.  However, I will not set myself up to be hurt by being completely open about my feelings, (as I once was).  But, I will not be surprised when people unknowingly hurt me with their innocent comments. 

The Lord and I are making amends.  I continue to be disappointed in how far I have drifted from Him.  My heart is not in the kind of condition it needs to be in to hear Him speak.  He woke me up early the other day and I struggled to listen for just minutes at a time.  I was very frustrated with myself and my inability to focus.

All of this to say: Please continue to pray for our desire for a child.  Please pray for my surgery to go well (March 9).  And please join me in becoming more disciplined in my walk with the Lord.

Waiting

Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
Wanting what I cannot have
Ungrateful for the things I do.

Bitterness creeps,
Dispair seeks,
Loneliness keeps
Me from seeking the only one who's keeping
Me from burning.

Scared.
Uninspired.
Tired.
Tired of being a being
That doesn't worship her creator.

Not seeing,
Not feeling,
But believing,
That He has not abandoned me
In the midst of my perceived tragedy.

Turning.
Yearning.
Learning,
That the damage I've caused to our relationship
Will take surrender, obedience, and patience...

More waiting
More hoping
More praying,
For something worth more than my request.
In the presence of my Savior I am blessed.

How Lovely

Last weekend, I spent some time with some very close friends of ours.  We visited them on Saturday for what we thought would be a short visit, but ended up being an over night stay!  We laughed, we cried, we spent the night on an air mattress, and then Papa lead us in a Bible study for Sunday morning. 

I believe the Lord orchestrated our visit with them.  I always enjoy my time with my second family because I can completely let my guard down.  I was completely honest in a 2 hour conversation and did not feel judged at all, (I admitted to some very strong feelings toward God and people in my life).  There are few places that I am unashamedly myself.  I spend a lot of time trying not to make a wrong move or apologizing for when I do.  Through this visit though the Lord began healing my heart.  He began healing my marriage.  Who knows how long it will take for me to be "anguish-free", but in the meantime, I want to devote myself to His plan.

This visit also was so precious because the children have grown into young adults.  I can only pray that my children will know and follow the Lord as they do.  As we became a part of their family for a day, we were granted access into some very special moments.  Papa and Di were so inspiring.  Papa is a very gifted teacher and I was amazed at how often he would stop everything because he saw a teachable moment for his kiddos.  They are very honest with their children and everything was centered around the Lord, but did not seem forced at all.

My plan for now: I am going to live out what I believe.  For so long, I have known the Truth, but did not live by it.  I knew that His plan was better, but I didn't allow Him to have control.  I knew that He loved me, but I felt abandoned and alone, so I became very angry with Him. 

As we wait for children of our own, Jerrad and I know that we need to become closer to the Lord so that we can grow them into the Godly people He has planned.  If you pray for us, please pray that the Lord shows us what He is working on within our hearts and that His will be accomplished.