Inconceivable

I know that this is all I have blogged about, but it has consumed my life for now, so if you are tired of hearing about it, know that I am tired of dealing with it also. :)

I hate how this is such a taboo topic. No one talks about it like it's normal which makes it so much more isolating. I was looking online at some infertility books and as I read the reviews, I found out that I am not the only one that feels alone in this season. Many reviews shared about how the books make them realize that they aren't the only ones that are going through this. (The ironic thing is that I went to Barnes & Noble in Lubbock to purchase one of the books and they did not have a single book on infertility. The fact that the biggest book store in Lubbock didn't have anything on the topic, only reinforced the feeling of isolation. Evidently, literature on infertility is not in high enough demand for B&N to carry the books in store.) Even though I know that others have experienced this, it doesn't do my any good unless I can hear from them and learn from them. However, no one talks about how they had difficulty conceiving if they eventually have a baby. Their struggle ends and so does the chapter, or so they would have you believe. I refuse to pretend like this isn't changing me and my life, not just now, but forever. I pray that the Lord will use our testimony in some way. I don't know His plan, but I know He works for the good of those who love Him. I pray that our story will bring Him glory in some way and WHEN we have children, I will be here waiting to help other women that need an ear to listen and an empathizing heart.

Autumn Leaves

I'm turning over a new leaf, again... :) This month/cycle I am going to be more optimistic than I have ever been....IN MY LIFE. I am a "realist" and have honestly never truly believed that I would get pregnant. It has been a fear of mine since I can remember. So now that it seems my fear is becoming reality, it is extremely hard to believe that my fear is irrational. But this month I have decided to try to set my fear aside and change my mind about how I view my situation. I have started running in the mornings and that is helping with my stress level. Also, for the past year and 3 months my spiritual life has been completely focused on TTC (trying to conceive). As Scott Gray said, "I need to stop focusing on what the Lord isn't doing in my life, and focus on what He IS doing."

So here is to a new side of a new leaf. New physical, mental, and spiritual health. Please pray for me as I walk this path. I have never been so challenged in my life. This season seems never ending. However, my hope is not in a baby, but in the Lord. He will sustain me.

opposites attract

My husband is so wonderful. Jerrad is the one that points me to the Lord when I am being stubborn and fearful. This month has been harder for me because the medications that the doc prescribed for the past three months, have not worked. We are now trying a combination of medications to see if it will fix the problem. It is hard for me to believe that this will work, when nothing has worked so far. That is the pessimist in me. My dear husband is an optimist. When I have my negative and hopeless outlook on our situation, he speaks Truth and steers our marriage back toward the Lord. Even when I feel like the worst wife he could have chosen, he makes it clear that I am not thinking clearly :) ...thankfully.

I pray that those that are married continually turn toward the Lord and allow Him to lead their marriages. I pray that those that aren't married, have given themselves to His will and will see His plan lived out in front of their eyes. None of this is possible without a constant turning from our nature to rebel, put our trust in worldly things (medication for me), and fear. There are many more things working against us, but these are the things that I'm dealing with most for now. And for me, it is not possible for me to follow Jesus daily right now without people speaking Truth and reminding me of His will. I pray you have someone that is a spiritual leader for you.

Thank you Lord for always taking me back and thank you Jerrad for leading me to the Lord over and over again.

His Work in a Year

I'm going to apologize in advance for being so long-winded. There is some history to give on this topic.

This past year has been the hardest year of my adult life. Spiritually, I have never been so tested. Mentally, I have been drained and distracted. Socially, I have been secluded and even more introverted than normal. Emotionally, I have been everywhere from depressed, to anxious, to relieved. All of this to say, I have grown and learned so much, that I wanted to share.

As some of you know, J and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. It has been a roller coaster ride, with more lows than peaks if you asked me. I am the eternal pessimist and Jerrad is beautifully optimistic. He has kept me on track more than anything else. From these experiences of doubt and distrust in the Lord, I have a new faith and relationship with Him. As of now, I am less focused on how much I want a child, and more focused on the truth that the Lord has given me.

I do not find much comfort in the saying, "God is in control." I say that and then immediately think, "Well then, WHY haven't you fixed the problem?" I do not want to ask Him, "Why?" I find much more comfort in the truth that He knows what is best for me. His plan is always better and that is truly what I want. That statement alone has been hard for me to honestly say at times this past year.

These last months have been the easiest yet. I pray that is because I have more faith in His plan and not the distractions I tend to use. At times, I have questioned and doubted so much that I disgust myself. I DO NOT want to go back to that weak, pitiful, negative woman.

My most recent lesson has been one about the suffering that He calls us into. I have always believed and felt very strongly about the truth that He does call us to suffer at times so that He can build us into a people that is more like Himself. However, the growth that happens depends on how we react to His call into suffering. ...all of this is not a new lesson, but I have learned lately, that if I continue in my attitude of self-pity, I have learned nothing. Oswald Chambers said it best when he wrote, "If we accept the sympathy of another saint, our spontaneous feeling is, 'God is dealing too harshly with me and making my life too difficult.' That is why Jesus said that self-pity was of the devil." I am...hopefully WAS, the queen of self-pity. Not only that, I didn't mind if someone felt sorry for us or our situation. Now, He is teaching me not t expect pity or to have pity on myself, but to rejoice that He is teaching me through this. One of my greatest fears is that I would miss the lesson that He has for me. I'm trying to be a good student in this trial, but He is so good and patient that through my failures He is still getting His lessons into my head and hopefully my heart.

I pray that my hope remains in Him and not myself, and that the peace I have is a result of a stronger faith. Time will only tell if I have to re-learn these lessons....I pray not.

We'll see...

Well, this is the first. Which means it's not going to be about much at all. I figure this can keep me company if Jerrad is off coaching in some far away land, while still being somewhat productive. I'm still trying to figure this thing out as far as design goes, so bear with me. I'm also trying to convince myself that I need to be pretty personal on here, but I'm not so sure yet. You will hear about daily trials and accomplishments, things the Lord is teaching me, hopes and dreams, and maybe a joke or two. :) Hope you like.