Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
Wanting what I cannot have
Ungrateful for the things I do.
Bitterness creeps,
Dispair seeks,
Loneliness keeps
Me from seeking the only one who's keeping
Me from burning.
Scared.
Uninspired.
Tired.
Tired of being a being
That doesn't worship her creator.
Not seeing,
Not feeling,
But believing,
That He has not abandoned me
In the midst of my perceived tragedy.
Turning.
Yearning.
Learning,
That the damage I've caused to our relationship
Will take surrender, obedience, and patience...
More waiting
More hoping
More praying,
For something worth more than my request.
In the presence of my Savior I am blessed.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
How Lovely
Last weekend, I spent some time with some very close friends of ours. We visited them on Saturday for what we thought would be a short visit, but ended up being an over night stay! We laughed, we cried, we spent the night on an air mattress, and then Papa lead us in a Bible study for Sunday morning.
I believe the Lord orchestrated our visit with them. I always enjoy my time with my second family because I can completely let my guard down. I was completely honest in a 2 hour conversation and did not feel judged at all, (I admitted to some very strong feelings toward God and people in my life). There are few places that I am unashamedly myself. I spend a lot of time trying not to make a wrong move or apologizing for when I do. Through this visit though the Lord began healing my heart. He began healing my marriage. Who knows how long it will take for me to be "anguish-free", but in the meantime, I want to devote myself to His plan.
This visit also was so precious because the children have grown into young adults. I can only pray that my children will know and follow the Lord as they do. As we became a part of their family for a day, we were granted access into some very special moments. Papa and Di were so inspiring. Papa is a very gifted teacher and I was amazed at how often he would stop everything because he saw a teachable moment for his kiddos. They are very honest with their children and everything was centered around the Lord, but did not seem forced at all.
My plan for now: I am going to live out what I believe. For so long, I have known the Truth, but did not live by it. I knew that His plan was better, but I didn't allow Him to have control. I knew that He loved me, but I felt abandoned and alone, so I became very angry with Him.
As we wait for children of our own, Jerrad and I know that we need to become closer to the Lord so that we can grow them into the Godly people He has planned. If you pray for us, please pray that the Lord shows us what He is working on within our hearts and that His will be accomplished.
I believe the Lord orchestrated our visit with them. I always enjoy my time with my second family because I can completely let my guard down. I was completely honest in a 2 hour conversation and did not feel judged at all, (I admitted to some very strong feelings toward God and people in my life). There are few places that I am unashamedly myself. I spend a lot of time trying not to make a wrong move or apologizing for when I do. Through this visit though the Lord began healing my heart. He began healing my marriage. Who knows how long it will take for me to be "anguish-free", but in the meantime, I want to devote myself to His plan.
This visit also was so precious because the children have grown into young adults. I can only pray that my children will know and follow the Lord as they do. As we became a part of their family for a day, we were granted access into some very special moments. Papa and Di were so inspiring. Papa is a very gifted teacher and I was amazed at how often he would stop everything because he saw a teachable moment for his kiddos. They are very honest with their children and everything was centered around the Lord, but did not seem forced at all.
My plan for now: I am going to live out what I believe. For so long, I have known the Truth, but did not live by it. I knew that His plan was better, but I didn't allow Him to have control. I knew that He loved me, but I felt abandoned and alone, so I became very angry with Him.
As we wait for children of our own, Jerrad and I know that we need to become closer to the Lord so that we can grow them into the Godly people He has planned. If you pray for us, please pray that the Lord shows us what He is working on within our hearts and that His will be accomplished.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Motherhood Anonymous
From the time that I can remember I have feared that I would not be able to have a child. From the time that I became engaged to Jerrad I have feared our marriage failing. I have hardly any control over the first outcome, but I have always been very proactive about guarding our marriage from harm. Little did I know that I would need to guard my marriage from myself.
I began reading a book called Hannah's Hope over the Holidays. This book along with multiple conversations with Jerrad has brought me to a huge realization: My name is Becca and I have become obsessed with and addicted to the desire of a baby. This has been at the expense of relationships with family, friends, my husband, and most other areas of my life.
I often tell those close to me that know our situation that I have good days and bad days. Lately, I have had many more bad days than good. In those moments I isolate myself and the effect of that has been devastating to my quality of life and the relationships I have. I have based any decision about the future on the possibility of being pregnant. I have quit working out for fear of losing too much weight. I have been so self-absorbed that my relationships are barely two-sided. My relationship with the Lord has become little more than anger and bitterness toward Him. I have gone through the motions at work until I can make the wonderful announcement.
From what I can remember from my addiction classes, I can say with conviction that I am an addict. Now I will try to focus on things in my life that are more important than having a child, (which are very few in my present state of mind). The only place I know where to begin is with the 12 Steps:
I began reading a book called Hannah's Hope over the Holidays. This book along with multiple conversations with Jerrad has brought me to a huge realization: My name is Becca and I have become obsessed with and addicted to the desire of a baby. This has been at the expense of relationships with family, friends, my husband, and most other areas of my life.
I often tell those close to me that know our situation that I have good days and bad days. Lately, I have had many more bad days than good. In those moments I isolate myself and the effect of that has been devastating to my quality of life and the relationships I have. I have based any decision about the future on the possibility of being pregnant. I have quit working out for fear of losing too much weight. I have been so self-absorbed that my relationships are barely two-sided. My relationship with the Lord has become little more than anger and bitterness toward Him. I have gone through the motions at work until I can make the wonderful announcement.
From what I can remember from my addiction classes, I can say with conviction that I am an addict. Now I will try to focus on things in my life that are more important than having a child, (which are very few in my present state of mind). The only place I know where to begin is with the 12 Steps:
- Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
- Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
- Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
- Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
- Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
- Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
- Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
- Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
- Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
- Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
- Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
- Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)