I began reading a book called Hannah's Hope over the Holidays. This book along with multiple conversations with Jerrad has brought me to a huge realization: My name is Becca and I have become obsessed with and addicted to the desire of a baby. This has been at the expense of relationships with family, friends, my husband, and most other areas of my life.
I often tell those close to me that know our situation that I have good days and bad days. Lately, I have had many more bad days than good. In those moments I isolate myself and the effect of that has been devastating to my quality of life and the relationships I have. I have based any decision about the future on the possibility of being pregnant. I have quit working out for fear of losing too much weight. I have been so self-absorbed that my relationships are barely two-sided. My relationship with the Lord has become little more than anger and bitterness toward Him. I have gone through the motions at work until I can make the wonderful announcement.
From what I can remember from my addiction classes, I can say with conviction that I am an addict. Now I will try to focus on things in my life that are more important than having a child, (which are very few in my present state of mind). The only place I know where to begin is with the 12 Steps:
- Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
- Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
- Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
- Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
- Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
- Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
- Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
- Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
- Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
- Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
- Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
- Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
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